What a mix of feelings as I watch Dad in his struggle to stay with us. Inside his seemingly frail body is a huge desire to survive. He has been basically peaceful for at least the last 24 hour, and he has communicated very little. Yesterday he had a popsicle in the afternoon, but has not been awake enough since to take anything by mouth. At times, he will moan but we can't decide if he is in pain, trying to cough, or trying to communicate. It is frustrating trying to figure it out. We've had none of the belligerent behavior we saw earlier this week since Friday. The hospice nurse who visited this morning feels that he is in the process of 'active dying' which would mean that we are no longer coasting but on the downhill stretch of this journey. This means we are probably in the last few days of Dad's life. We are praying that God will take him soon, and ask that you will pray with us.
We have accepted a cash offer on the Florida house without contingencies and due to close in December. It isn't as much as we would have hoped, but we are so grateful to have this settled. We passed the offer on to Dad on Friday, not sure if he was comprehending, but then he responded that the offer wasn't high enough. We had to laugh.
I personally am struggling a lot with my emotions now, as the reality and finality of this is hitting home. I look at his now emaciated hands that once hugged me, that bathed me as a child, that gave me a well-desired swat once in awhile and mourn that they will not do so again. I wish that I could turn on a switch or suck the disease out of his body so that he could speak to me with clarity one more time. Though he still breathes, I feel like we have lost him already, and though I am thankful for a process that allowed us to say good-bye and for him to prepare for death, I hate this disease that has robbed him of mind, his body, and his life.
This week felt very overwhelming. It seemed that Dad had an almost endless supply of energy, up continually at night and in the daytime, and with the confusion, we couldn't leave him alone. We weren't sure whether we could continue to keep him at home because of it. But now that he is sleeping almost non-stop, we also are able to re-charge and catch our breath. Please pray for strength to finish out this now four month long battle.
These are heart-wrenching days. There will come a day that these past months will fade in your memory, but the lifetime of love that you have had with your precious dad, husband, grandpa, brother, uncle never ever will.
Posted by: Rita | 10/04/2009 at 04:23 PM
Hello, Sharon, Gene and family,
We have been reading your blog every day. Al checks a couple of times a day. We have been travelling for the past two days and are now back in Florida.
How my heart aches for you as you go through a familiar experience as our family. Time takes the edge off but it is never far from memory. May God soon ease the pain and suffering for Gene and also for you all and bless you with rest and peace. You are in our prayers daily.
Much love, Sandy and Al Cosner.
Posted by: Sandy and Al Cosner | 10/04/2009 at 08:20 PM